56 posts from 2008

Just got my first tattoo EVER.  On Tuesday.  A tiny black star on my wrist and I absolutely love it.  ^^  I know it's really small and simple, but it's really all I want.  Nothing big and bright, not my thing.  Didn't really hurt, and only lasted a few minutes.  ;)  The tattoo artists were teasing me a little.  They were like "Is that all?"  Then, they tried to talk me into getting something bigger because they didn't want to have to do just a little star for such a high price.  Haha, had to explain to them that I'm extremely picky. 

At first I wasn't sure if I was actually going to get it or not, but Brittnie paid for most of it as an early birthday present, so why not.  She was really nervous getting hers though, she came out and said it hurt like a bitch.  xD  She got hers on the back of her neck, some heart thingy.  Hmm I'll probably get another one someday, not sure what though.  ^^

<3

Past weekend stayed over at Lindsey's house, which I had never done before.  xD  It was fun, talked a lot, hung out a lot, and laughed A LOT.  O__O  Watched movies all night and went to the park and actually played on the swings in the pouring rain.  Seriously, that park is becoming like our second home.  Every time I hang out with Lindsey, we go to the park.  God, we act like little kids.  Anyway, Chrissy and Angel met up with us there on the second night we went to the park.  We like sat on the little kid toys, no on there, until midnight talking about life and what not.  Very interesting.  :D

Pouring rain at the park.  We were soaked.

At Lindsey's.  Watching movies, it was storming bad.  Decided to make cupcakes.  xD
Next morning.
Got gas at Shell.  Went to the river, walked through the woods, sat at the riverbank and relaxed forever, watched the sun go down.

he's always on my mind.
it's comforting.  ^^

<3

I hung out with Brittnie the past few days, which is quite a shocker now, since I never ever see her.  We've talked more in the past three days then we have in the past three months.  >__>  I was thinking a lot about her today, and how she's changed a lot since high school.  I know she's a mom now and she's married, and that she has more responsibilities than she did before.  So I can understand why I don't get to see her as often as I used to, because obviously with a baby, you're going to be a little busy.  ^^  She's more mom-like, but still acts a little like she used to.  We still crack jokes constantly and laugh A LOT and we still always know what the other is gonna say, stuff of that sort.  But I always get this awkward feeling now, something just isn't the same and I have the hardest time trying to put my finger on it. 

Part of me feels like it is her husband, they knew each other throughout high school, dated, she got pregnant after she graduated, got married after she had the baby.  Just seems like she jumped into it all so soon.  Her husband used to be funny and nice, what I remember in high school anyway (I was really good friends with him back then), but the longer they started dating, the more uptight he became.  He was always doing this thing that drove me crazy.  He would jokingly always ask Brittnie if she was cheating on him, every time she went out with me to get a bite to eat or go to a movie.  Didn't seem like a big deal at first, until it got to a point where it was annoying and he sounded more serious than joking.  Like he didn't trust her with me or something, which why he wouldn't is beyond me.  I remember on several occasions he would complain about her going out without him, and somehow always talked her into letting him tag along with us, which was by far the most annoying thing because after him begging to go, there would be this tension in the air.  Brittnie would be pissed that he ended up going, which took all the fun out of whatever we were doing.  It was just awkward and we couldn't really joke around without him starting shit.  >__>   He seems like such a control freak now. 

I asked Brittnie a few times back then if she really loved him.  On one occasion, she said she loved him, but wasn't in love with him.  She always says she loves him, but I really don't see love in their relationship at all to be honest.  I never see them being affectionate, laughing, or having fun.  Every time I see or talk to her, she sounds miserable.  All her decisions are usually based off what Chris thinks or what he wants to do.  Makes me feel bad for her, but at the same time I warned her.   And honestly, I don't think they'll be together in the future, and I hope they're not.  I really hate seeing her like that.  She lacks so much of her old personality and she spends so much time griping about Chris.  T__T  Actually, I take that part back about her leaving him.  It would be nice if he would change his attitude, that's all their relationship really needs, in order for it to be saved.  It all boils down to his 'i-don't-care' attitude and possessive ways.  Who knows where their relationship will end up.

It would just be nice, if she smiled once in awhile.

This morning I woke up, got ready for school, and just as I was about to walk out the door, I heard my little brother telling my mom that his rocket for his Physics class won first place in a contest they were having.  Nonetheless, I was extremely happy for him.  But I couldn't help but overhear my mom in the other room congratulating him and just really giving him a lot of praise for it, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy for a minute. 

Growing up I have always been known as the 'smart one' in the family.  Not a bad thing really, but it just seems like I never really got that parental support as much as my brothers had.  They struggled more in school; therefore, they always got the homework help and in return, they received the most attention.  Sometimes I feel like I just got left behind somewhere, and I have a lot of issues with feeling neglected by them, even if it's the littlest thing.  If I'm not involved, I tend to get mentally emotional, like they don't want me around.  Now, I know they don't mean to, but it all just kind of snowballed over the years.  Not only that but when I was younger and I started noticing that my brothers got more appraisal then I did, I slowly began drifting away from my parents.

I always got the straight A's, the awards, won competitions, took all the Honors classes, just always did the best I possibly could in anything and everything (I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist too).  But honestly, I can't remember the last time my parents even 'acted' excited for any of those things I accomplished.  It's just kind of like, "Oh, Tori got another A, nothing new."  It's what they expect of me I guess, so when I did get straight A's or something, it was no surprise.  I really don't think they realize that's what it came off as to me, they're just oblivious to it.  I know they love me and would never intentionally make me feel that way.  And I'm really good at hiding how I feel, so if I was upset about it, I would never let them know, let alone show it.  So I curse myself for holding it back for so long.  >__<

I had always taken the hard Honors classes, since I was in the 5th grade actually, and in 9th grade I was even in the top ten percent of my class (out of about 120 students).  During my tenth grade year, I sort of just started slacking off, not a whole lot, but I started developing that 'I-don't-care' attitude because it wasn't like I was being all that supported then.  And a long with other issues, I just kind of let it all go after I finished that year.  But then.. during my 11th grade year of high school, I actually quit taking Honors classes and stopped caring about doing good in school.  I even went as far as getting my first "D".  LOL  One of the reasons I stopped 'wanting' to do good was because I though getting bad grades (like my brothers always had) would have my parents pay me at least some attention.  I remember my mom yelling at me and telling me how disappointed she was when she found out that I had a D on my report card, and the one thought that kept running through my head was how it could be so easy for her to be disappointed in me yet so hard to actually say that she was proud of me.  So back then I just kind of put those feelings aside and said "to hell with it, no use trying.."  (However, there is another big cause to why I feel so neglected by my parents, but it's too personal and it's not something I particularly feel like discussing at the moment.)

And last year, I remember feeling the exact same way I did today, when I found out that my parents were going to watch my little brother perform in the Mr. and Miss MHS program they have at school (they do it every year, to pick superlatives and such).  I was angry because, my parents never even came to my Mr. and Miss MHS program or any performance I did with the choir/band/drill team throughout my school years.  I mean, there were a few times I would get my parents or one of them to go, after some asking or begging (if necessary).  It wouldn't have bothered me so much if my brother had to do the same thing, but he didn't even have to, my parents actually wanted to go.  I know my brothers needed more help and all, but a simple 'congratulations', or 'way to go!' every now and then would have been nice.  =/  I'm sure they've done it a few times, but somewhere along the line it just seemed like it got old, and made me feel unimportant, but maybe I just take things to heart too much.

Okay, so I'm finally getting better at blogging on time.  Thank God.

Anyway, Lindsey and I hung out today.  We usually do every other week or so when she isn't being a little workaholic.  :P  We sat at home for a few hours, trying to decide what we wanted to go do.  Finally agreed that we should go out to eat.  Went to a mexican place called El Zarape.  Good food.  @___@  Afterwards we went to the Creekmore Park around 8pm.  We walked over to Sweet Bay, got a Frozen French Silk, *drools*  good stuff.  xD  We went back to the park, and hung out, sat on the swing sets as always.  Our favorite thing to do there, we usually have like deep meaningful conversations when were there, but tonight not so much.  Just kind of goofed off, really.  xD  I brought my camera along and we took some photos.  We stayed there until around 9:30pm.

And oh.. my.. god.  I tried out this little thing that spins you around.  At first it was fun, you just sit on it and the gravity just spins you on it's own.  After doing it a few more times and going faster, I got do damn nauseas.  It wasn't pleasant.  Lindsey took two pictures, one of me on it and the second one of me dizzy as fuck trying to walk right after I got off of it.  She also made this video of me spinning around, and it wasn't as fast as I was going.  The last time I spun on it was the worst.  :S  Never again..

Some guy even started yelling "faster!" and i was thinking hell no.  xD  It was just too much for me.  I told Lindsey to NEVER let me do that again.  It's fun while you're on it, but once your done, the nauseas feeling just HITS you.  T___T

Last weekend, Chrissy spontaneously decides she wants to go on a camping trip and of course, I wasn't going to pass that up.  Always good fun with Chrissy, when she's not being too crazy that is.  lol  So then last minute, we invited Lindsey along to make it like a little girls' night out.  Basically just the three of us, though Becca was going to stop by and kick it for a bit.  :)  It was so last minute, that we really didn't bring everything we needed, we weren't prepared at all.  lol

To start off with, we were gonna take Chrissy's car. but it broke down the night before, so we ended up taking Lindsey's car the last minute.

It was only about a 30 minute drive to Lake Tenkiller, so it was a short road trip sadly, we were having too much fun.  Blaring the radio, singing as loud as we could.  xD  We stopped by her mom's house, right beside Tenkiller to say hi, and Chrissy also wanted to see her brother (she has a major crush on him)  lol.  Right when we walked in, Lindsey was reunited with her mannequin, also known as Mannie, which I named.  We goofed off a little and took a few photos.
Afterwards, we headed over to an area called Pine Cove, where we would be camping out.  We went to the bluff that overlooked the lake, it was kind of scary being on that huge cliff, i'm afraid of heights.  *shivers*  but it was such a pretty view.  ^^  Chrissy didn't want to go near it so Lindsey and I took a few pictures.  We went back to the car, drove back to the store and her mom's house to get a few more things. 
We arrived back at our campsite after it had already begun getting dark.  Chrissy and I set up the tent while Lindsey started looking for wood to build the fire.  Took us about an hour to really get the fire going, it just didn't want to start, and once it did, we didn't have a lot of wood to keep it going, so Lindsey and I constantly kept going in the woods to find more.  We cooked hot dogs over the fire, along with s'mores.   Had a few beers as well.
Also had a lot of laughs because of the mannequin doll that Lindsey HAD to bring along.  xD  When the park ranger arrived the first time, he didn't say anything about the mannequin, the second time he came back, he just kind of stared at it and said, "okay, i have to ask, what is the deal with that thing?"  LOL  he seriously thought we were weird.  Becca made her debut, though it took her a good while to find us in the dark, the park ranger helped her out. lol   He came back a third time to help Lindsey and I get this huge tree limb that was hanging in the tree down so that we could use it for the fire.  It was so funny, because every time he came back Mannie was in a different position, with different clothes.  xD  I can only imagine what he was thinking.  LOL  And after a long night of drinking, we decided to go back to the tent and get some sleep, the tent didn't look to good because we were actually missing a few poles, but it held up pretty well.  Hehe.  Before we fell asleep we were having these weird discussions and we started singing the most random songs, it was fun.  :)
We woke up in the morning, and I learned that I actually sat up in the middle of the night, and said "Where's the beer?" Chrissy was like "It's outside" and then I asked "Where's the leaves?" LOL  Really random and I don't remember it at all.  >__>  Lindsey said she was wide awake when I did it, and she couldn't stop laughing.  I have no idea.  xD  We got up about 8am for a little bit and walked around the area, took a few pictures.  We didn't exactly look too hot. LOL
We walked down this very narrow path, which led to the lake and a neat little swimming area, so sat there for about 20 minutes and just enjoyed it and talked a bit.  It was really relaxing, just what we needed.  An escape from all the home life and busy towns.  :3  We went back up to Lindsey's car and got our swimsuits and a few floaties, and again, Lindsey brought the mannequin doll with us.  xD  I swear people think we're crazy now.  We went swimming for about 4 hours, until Lindsey's mom and dad stopped by, they got a kick out of the mannequin doll.  We had her standing near the shore, and a huge wave came up and knocked her ass into the water.  It was hilarious because we had the floatie around her and she ended up floating.  I caught a picture of it as Lindsey was trying to get her.  xD
After swimming, we went back to the camp and grilled some hamburgers, ate, took a few more pictures at the cliff, and headed on our way home.  I actually wished the trip would have lasted a little longer.  It was nice while it lasted.  :P
  

Okay, so I got back from Holland 11 days ago, but I've been so busy and haven't had the time to actually sit down and write about it because there is sooo much that I want to talk about, but i thought about it and seriously it would take me forever.  ^^;  So I'll keep it short.

I arrived in Amsterdam around 8am on the 11th, after a 9 hour flight, which I only slept 1 hour on.  xD  So I was so exhausted when I finally got there.  It was hard to sleep on the plane because I was so nervous/excited.  After arriving, it took about 30 minutes to go through the security, passport check, and the hassle of finding my luggage.  The whole time I was unbelievably nervous and my stomach felt like it was in knots.  Don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life to meet someone.  :)  We were supposed to meet in the airport by the Starbucks and Burger King, but due to a delay (that I didn't know about), Alex didn't get there when he was supposed to so I was kinda left standing there, wondering if he was going to show up, even though I knew he would, I think it only bothered me slightly because I wanted to be the first to spot him.  We had actually made plans for me to text him once I arrived there, so we could find each other more easily, but unfortunately I didn't realize I would get any service on my cellphone in Holland so I had no way of contacting him, which added to my anxiety.  lol  I man there I was in a foreign country, by myself.  >__>  Well, anyway, I stood there for about 15 minutes, kept looking around and such, trying to spot him anywhere I could.  I felt like a lost puppy in that airport, it was huge.  Finally, I turned around, looked up, and saw this tall, dark-haired guy walking towards me with a huge smile on his face.  And right away I recognized him, and immediately I thought 'holy hell, it's really him'.. boy did I freak out.  LOL  It was just so sudden and all those emotions kind of just caught up with me right then and there.  I didn't really know how to react, although I knew I had a cheesy smile on my face that I couldn't contain.  I can remember it all so perfectly in my head, kind of seemed like a scene out of a movie or something.  It was a fun and cute moment, we were both kind of awestruck.  :3  At first, I was overcome with shyness, didn't really know what to say or what to do, neither did he.  A little awkward, but we got over that within the first hour or so.  First thing we did after meeting, was order a vanilla latte at the Starbucks near by (was also the last thing we did before I left).  And then took the train and bus to his place. 

It was so awesome just seeing where he lived and being a part of what he did every day, it's not just some big mystery now.  Makes me feel a lot closer to him.  :)  Holland was absolutely beautiful to me, I loved the community and scenery.  I would love to live there if I could, really peaceful place it seems.  There was such a comfortable atmosphere, felt like home.  The people were really nice as well.  After the first day, It really felt like I had known him forever.  I was really comfortable around him, didn't worry at all, didn't care what I looked like and what not.  Just someone I could be myself around.  I was happy.  The entire time we spent together I had a smile on my face.  :D  It was an amazing feeling.  ^^

And even though I was only there for a week, it seemed like so much longer than that.  I thought the days would go by so fast because you know what they say, 'time flies when you're having fun', but looking back, it really seemed like they dragged on.  I'm not complaining though, far from it.  :)  We did so much together, and I loved every minute that I got to spend with him.  Had a lot of firsts too xD first plane ride, first time out of the country, first alcoholic beverage in public (still underage in the US xD), first time on a train and bus, oh and the first time at the beach.  OMG the beach, lol, so basically I've never been anywhere near the ocean, and he took me there on several occasions, and it really was just so relaxing and romantic.  I wish I could go there every day.  We took our shoes off and walked out in the ocean together, nothing special to most people, but I really loved that moment.  I'll never forget it.  :)  And the crazy seagulls that were after our food, lol, so many good memories I made there, with him.

One day we even biked to the beach to catch the sunset, which I barely made it since I haven't used a bike in ages, my legs were KILLING me.  =/  But it was all worth it, never had someone to just sit and watch the sunset with, very romantique.  :3
And everywhere we went, we held hands and kissed.  I never realized how comforting little things like that would make me feel.
Haha, okay, so.. I got completely trashed on my third day there, so trashed that I threw up and don't remember anything after I got up off the couch.  xD  Alex had invited his friends Tom, Ben, BJ, and Sosha over for a drinking contest.  To start off with, we had 2 24-packs of beer with some vodka, and after every 3 beers you had to take a shot of vodka.

DAMN...

That's all I have to say.  LOL

I've never drank so much that I couldn't remember anything,  I remember small bits and pieces, and I somewhat remember throwing up, but that just seemed like a dream.  Man, I really embarrassed myself.  I broke his toilet and sink, don't know how I pulled that one off.  And I don't remember doing that either.  xD  I was already nervous when his friends came over so I guess that kind of added to my bad drinking experience, lol.  That, and they got there a little late, so I kind of wanted to hurry up and drink before I got too tired to do so.  Because when I get tired, I drink no more, and I really wanted to win that damn drinking contest!  :P

Also we took the train to his brother's place, during the weekend, and had the place to ourselves, just the two of us.  Saw a million bicycles. >__>  Walked a lot.  Laughed a lot.  Went shopping together.  Played video games.  Watched movies.  Cooked.  ^^  Just a simple, relaxing weekend to ourselves.  <3

Went back to Alex's place on Sunday, followed by going to his band practice, to watch him, BJ, and Ben play.  And it was AWESOME.  ^^  Never really watched a band practice, up close and personal.  It was a neat experience.  I thought they were really good, even though he thinks otherwise.  I beg to differ.  :)  I finally got to listen to him sing too.  ^^  During their break, we walked over and got ourselves some chinese food!  And Alex took a few goofy pictures on my camera. 
 
Monday, the last whole day we got to spend together, we went to the Efteling, a fairytale based amusement park.  was such a cool fucking place.  :)  Even though the whole day was cloudy and practically raining every chance it got, I had a blast!  The rollercoasters were so much fun, we must have ridden them several times, and they had so many cool rides, it was great, and I really want to go again.  ^___^  Hopefully, I'll go back one of these days. 

Well, that pretty much sums up my trip, most of it anyway.  I was going to make this really short, but I ended up writing a novel.  We made so many great memories together, ones I'm sure we both will never forget, and I cannot wait to go back and make even more.  :)  I really had the time of my life there, with such an amazing guy too.  ^__^

And as for the saying goodbye, I already wrote about that in a different post, don't really want to write about it again..  It was just too hard for the both of us.  v__v 

<3

so i FINALLY finished adding the pictures to my blog about my trip to Branson.  >__<
 
Only took me a month.  XD

Now, I need to blog about my trip to Holland, so MUCH to write about though.. ^^

Oh, and I started school this week also, my classes are great, they all seem pretty easy, just a lot of busy work.  Hopefully, it won't tie me down too much though.  :)  And I got over my few days of major emoness after leaving Alex, things are pretty much back to normal.  I wasn't sleeping well for about a week though, but I'm better now.. and I keep having so many dreams about him, it's insane.  I've never dreamt about someone so much before.  >__>  It's kinda comforting though.  ^__^

<3